My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
