Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You're like the curious george of whores
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
