Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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