She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
