I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
