he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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