Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
