can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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