It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
