It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
