when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize