Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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