Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
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