Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
