oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
