I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
