Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do vagina's smell?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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