Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
