im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
