I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
