What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
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