So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
