if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
