I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
