she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You took a bar mat shot.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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