I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
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There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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