just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day