I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird