How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode