i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
COCAINE IS GR8
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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