i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
