Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
