What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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