Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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