I'm jealous of your bromance
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
