I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
