3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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