Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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