cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i think my mom watched the whole time
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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