im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
