I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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