Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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