i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
