Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
