I cannot find my penis.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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