wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
