Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
