This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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