i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
