Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
