I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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