She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
