Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
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you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
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Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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