My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
