hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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