I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
