I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
