you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
